I have had many dreams and many ideas of what I have I wanted out of life and what I wanted to do with it. But I got side tracked from that when I fell in love with the man of my dreams so I thought, and then became pregnant at the age of 20. Now don't get me wrong I have no regrets of being in love and being pregnant. Its the fact that I thought that because I was pregnant that I couldn't continue those dreams or ideas. So I became the stay at home mom and I refused to get a job even though I knew that it would help. I wanted to be there for all those moments of her saying her first words, the first laugh and her cuing. I didn't want to be that parent who has a nanny and that is all she knows or the parent who cares but doesn't give her the attention she needs. So I stayed home, and though I loved being home with my girl, It put a toll on my marriage. Then we found out that we were pregnant again, and it was a boy. So I maid sure that I could stay home with my kids. I also made it to where I could have like a seasonal job somewhere that way my sis in law could babysit and that I would be home during the afternoon. Then we (husband and I ), let a friend move in and she didn't help out the way she was suppose to and then she became this person that wanted my husband. I of coarse didn't let her but I saw the temptation in my husbands eyes, and that put even more toll on our marriage. The trust was there but there was always the thought in the back of my mind. So when it got to be too much for us to handle any more we felt that she should move out. We promised that we would never let anyone move in with us ever again. Our marriage seemed to get better but maybe that was what I wanted but wasn't actually reality. Then months go by and then another friend needs help and the kind off people we were at the time decided that we could help out. This time it was a guy, a guy who you could tell didn't like kids and had some anger problems. There he chose to throw a dog toy, which was hard, and threw it at me really hard and it hit me on the outside of my thigh and left a bruise the size of the ball, and then one night stepped on me, i was laying on the floor, on my back, and he was walking by and stepped right on my belly. I rolled over crying in pain and my husband fell to do anything about just like before and didn't even ask if i was okay. The outcome of that made me realize that my husband has changed, not necessarily a bad person but one who isn't sure about us. Now you would think that I would've guessed this to happen since he said that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me any more when we were 5 months pregnant. I thought we worked that out, that it was just stress cause we were pregnant again and he worried on how we can afford another baby. Maybe I was wrong, and look where we are now. Its September and we find out that I am pregnant again, and we are so excited and yet this time, in the back of my mind I knew that he was not happy with this news. So I do what I do best and put on my happy face. I should be able to be so happy about this gift god gave me and be able to show how happy I am with this gift, but I only was happy to my self. I think that is wrong to hide your feelings, but till you figure things out i guess you have to do what you have to do. That can only get you so far, though, and I didn't get vary far at all. I got to 9 weeks and started having stomach pains and then started bleeding, just spotting, then when the pain got worse so did the bleeding, and when we finally went to doctor we found that it was a tubular pregnancy. Which I opted to take the medicine to stop the growth and then I can pass it threw the tube. I would have to watch for a blood clot, and that way i would know that I passed it threw. Oh my god that was the worst day of my life, and the hardest ting to see. So we got through that, but somewhere along the way I got lost of who I was. Cause my husband went straight back to who he was, someone who worked all day and then came home and played his computer games. He is a great dad, but the husband part left him somewhere along our 5 years together. So, hiding behind the pain of loosing baby and husband I became depressed nut in denial that i was depressed. One day out of the blue our guy friend started flirting with me and I blew him off so many times, but you can only defend your guard so many times when your depressed and one day you become that person every girl hates, the other woman. I carried it on for a week, and then got stupider and wrote about it. I lost everything from baby, to husband, to kids, and then self. I tried to explain to him but didn't want to listen and given if it was turned around I wouldn't either. But I would've tried, and he didn't. So, now I am the fault of everything, and don't know how to get passed the point of how to forgive your self? Knowing that your the fault. I couldn't afford an attorney and couldn't ask my parents or family, and the legal aid was handling domestic cases at the time, so I went into this fight knowing I would loose, and now I get kids on every other weekends and three weeks out of the summer, and pay 150 month for child support. It was all for what, a little attention, cause my husband couldn't share what he was going through with loosing a baby with me, and never asked if i was okay, cause he deals with stuff differently then me. So, I just say okay and boom cheated? I never in my life cheated on any one, not even on a test in school, i never even thought about it, I don't even look at other guys. How could I do this? I somehow feel like the guy took advantage on the fact that i was going through a bad time, but I can only blame myself. I know that there are no excuses or condoning the fact. I now have been riped apart from myself and kids. I am no longer a mom. My kids were taken form me and my son was one at the time. I feel like a babysitter when i have my kids and as much as i hate to say it i don't enjoy them the same way I did when i was always around to see them grow up and become toddlers. And now some other person is raising my kids and gets to be there for everything and i am not. My ex works from seven to seven, so who is teaching my kids what i am suppose to? His cousin, she is not the perfect mom and has two kids who are great but teaching my kids how to throw a fit. My son now throws himself on floor if he gets told no, and before he would just move on. But now when he sees me he calls me mommy, when before he would call me Nana. Which is my moms nick name to all her grand kids, I think because he only sees me every other weekend that he started calling me Nana. So things are slowly becoming better but you will never get over the fact that you screwed tings up. I saw it coming, but not like this. I knew that he was changing, and i knew that i didn't want the change that he was making, so i knew that one day he would say he wanted out. I just never knew that it was going to be my fault and the reason why. So maybe that's why he went ahead and said that he wanted out was cause he was changed. I wote all this out not so i could get answers but to give some help with those of us who has cheated or is thinking about it. Here is a saying," you cheat, you cheat on your kids." That is absolutely true. I know just live to let go, becuase you cant just keep going when you dont let go, once your able to let go, then you can live. I choose to live, and sometimes when your kids cry for and dont want to go back home and its hard to let go you feel like not living, just keep thinking about your kids and how much they need you. My kids are still my world, though it is not easy choosing to live.